Empty
by mary ammonds
Summary: New Moon from Edward's POV. First fic please read and review! i promise I think it'smgood and accurate!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I decided to write this because, while I read New Moon, I always wondered what was up with Edward, and what he was thinking the whole time. I promise that I will write this until I'm completely finished with it. Please review!**

**Song lyrics at the beginning are from "Up and Up" by Relient K. Please read lyrics, they will always be relevant to the chapter.**

**Disclaimer: New Moon and all the characters and some dialogue are Stephanie Meyer's. Obviously.**

I'm on the up and up,

Yeah there's nothing left to lose.

'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you.

"What are you thinking about?" Bella asked me quietly.

I was lying next to her with my arm around her, wondering if I could have done anything to prevent what had happened. There was one thing I could have done a long time ago, but that was too painful to think about. I told myself the answer was no.

"I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."

She was visibly disturbed by the answer. I knew what she would want. She would try to convince me of what I could not convince myself. She would say that it wasn't my fault, and that she didn't want me to beat myself up about it.

But what could I do? Something stupid happened. Something that wouldn't matter to anyone else. She had given herself a paper cut. Then _I _threw her onto a crystal bowl, giving her a horrid gash in her fragile arm. My entire family (besides Carlisle, of course) was tempted to jump on her, snap her neck, and finish her off, myself included. My brother attempted to accomplish just that. Because of _me_. Had I not existed, nothing would have happened. Nothing.

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you _not_ to ignore my birthday?" she asked, distracting me.

"Yes,"

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

"You're greedy tonight." I commented.

"Yes, I am, but please, don't do anything you don't want to do."

As if I could ever not want her. I chuckled at such a thought. "Heaven forbid that I do anything I don't want to do,"

I pulled face up to meet mine, and pressed our lips together. I stayed behind the distinct lines I had drawn for her safety. Then, suddenly, I decided that if I lost this argument with myself and left her, it shouldn't matter what lines were crossed. As she noticed my tolerance for her creeping past those lines, she ran far past them and kissed me more enthusiastically. I felt her pulse quicken, and her body grow warmer next to me. The burning ache in my throat reminded me that I was not human. I abruptly stopped. If I were to leave her, I didn't want to leave her dead. I noticed the shock on her face, and apologized.

"Sorry, that was out of line."

"_I_ don't mind."

"Try to sleep, Bella."

"No, I want you to kiss me again." she insisted.

"You're overestimating my self-control."

"Which is more tempting to you, my blood, or my body?"

I pondered this. Both were very tempting indeed.

"It's a tie." I responded truthfully. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and get to sleep?"

"Fine."

She obliged without putting up a fight.

As she slept, I thought about right and wrong again. I hated myself for so many reasons now. For letting her cross those lines. For letting her love me. For letting jasper in the house while she was there. For not just staying in Alaska the first time I met her. For throwing her onto the crystal bowl. For being what I am, a monster. For not stopping myself when I found out I loved her, too. For so many reasons. Too many to justify with the fact that she didn't mind it anyway.

If a stone could produce tears, I would have been crying.

I knew what I had to do. I had to leave, and to never see her again. I glanced at her moon bleached perfection. This would surely hurt her, too. But humans got over ended relationships quickly. Jessica got over it when she was attracted to me. If I left, she wouldn't think about it twice. But Bella would. And I would. And I always would, no matter what. But Bella would forget me too. She would get over me and be happy. She would go to college and get married and have children. And I would just exist.

So that was that, then. The hard part would be getting the others to go along with it.

When she woke, I quickly kissed her forehead and ducked out of the window. I ran the long way home, to give myself time to figure out what to say. When I arrived, Jasper and Alice were home again.

I nodded at them both, and Alice noticed my expression.

_Stay. Please stay. This isn't your fault and it'll kill her and Charlie along with her._

I shook my head. I could tell that she hadn't told anyone of my plans, because they were all worrying about Jasper. He was infuriated with himself, and Alice was having a hard time convincing him otherwise.

"Can I please talk to all of you?" I asked, and they all came and sat at the table, unsure of what the meeting had been called for. I sighed. "I'm leaving."

_NO. _Esme mentally shouted.

"You finally found happiness, and you want to just throw it away?!? By doing this you'll kill all of us!" Rosalie hissed.

"I can't just let her be in this danger! If I hurt her, it will be even worse!"

Esme was crying without tears. All the others were furious. I shot a glance at Jasper, and with him and Carlisle calming everyone, they all were seated.

Carlisle sighed. "You can't leave. You can't split up this family. Either we all stay, or we all leave."

I didn't like that idea. I didn't want them to have to sacrifice anything for me. "I can't stay, and you can't leave."

"If you're so decided we will all leave. We would have to in another year or so anyway."

After a few moments more of discussion, everyone agreed except Rosalie, of course. They would leave immediately, a clean break for her. I would stay longer to say good bye, and we would never come back.

When they had left, I changed for school and got in my Volvo. In a couple more days, I would be gone. I would have to forget her. I parked in the small lot and waited for her there.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: If the end of this one seems a bit lame, it's because that part always makes me a bit depressed, and I may have rushed through it unconsciously. Reviews welcome! Song lyrics from "It Ends Tonight" by the All-American Rejects.**

**Disclaimer: the Twilight series isn't mine. It's Stephanie Meyer's.**

Maybe it's best you leave me alone.

A weight is lifted.

On this evening, I give the final blow.

I saw her coming, and quickly tried to compose my face. I could tell by the thoughts of the others around me that I had fooled no one. My face was cold and hard. It looked more like the stone it was than it ever had since I met her. I tried to keep myself from obsessing over her perfection as she came nearer. I didn't need to remind myself of what I would miss. Once she cut the loud engine of her truck, I opened the door for her and helped her out.

"How do you feel?"

"Perfect," she responded.

It took all of my power not to call Alice and have them all come back. But I clenched my jaw and walked silently beside my Bella.

I left her at her first class and headed slowly towards mine. I had planned on spending the morning in my car, but decided against it. It would be very difficult to wallow without speeding to wherever they were and bringing them back.

I slumped in my seat, letting my mind wander. I thought of her hurt arm, and how her injuries would be nothing but a paper cut if not for me. I imagined what my life would be like had I never met Bella. Very boring, though never quite so painful.

I gave in and decided to 'watch' Bella through the eyes of her human classmates. She was in a daze, her eyes never focusing on anything in particular. I stared at her though weak human eyes for the rest of the morning.

I waked her to lunch, and I could see in her eyes that she was worried about me. I was worried about me, too. Could I survive like this any longer? We sat down at the empty table that was usually occupied by my sister. I spoke nothing of her absence, hoping she wouldn't notice.

"Where's Alice?" she asked. Of course she would notice.

"She's with Jasper." I answered. I wasn't lying.

"Is he okay?"

"He's gone away for awhile." Again, I spoke no lies to her.

"What? Where?"

"Nowhere in particular."

"And Alice, too,"

"Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."

She was upset by something I had said, though I couldn't imagine what. She shouldn't feel bad for anything that had happened. It was not her fault. It was mine. Mine and only mine. Mine more than Bella was mine.

"Is your arm bothering you?" I asked, hoping her injuries were the true reason for her discomfort. It was absolutely ridiculous for her to be guilty about anything.

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" she muttered.

I stayed quiet, hoping not to upset her further.

I stared at the floor tiles, and the patterns the fluorescents made on them until lunch ended. I walked her to all of her classes, but we never spoke. I noticed the drastic difference between this day and the one before it. We had been laughing, kissing, joking, and being carefree. Today we hardly spoke, and barely had any physical contact.

As I walked her to her ancient truck, she broke the prolonged silence.

"You'll come over later tonight?" she asked. I could tell by her voice that she expecting a no.

"Later?" I didn't see why I couldn't come over right now. Of course I wouldn't hurt her any more than necessary. Act like normal until I was gone. My behavior was hardly considered normal, and I might as well make up for it.

"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off."

"Oh," I had forgotten.

"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" she still didn't believe that I would come. Silly girl.

"If you want me to," Part of me wanted her to want me, because I loved her. Part of me wanted her to not want me, also because I loved her. I would always give her options.

"I always want you." She said. That was like a bullet through my heart. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to leave her. She _couldn't _keep wanting me like that. She wouldn't. Her human emotions could never last more than a week after I left. She could date Mike Newton and leave happily ever after.

"All right, then," She had probably expected my answer to be a bit lighter than that, given what she had said. But her voicing that she would always want me just made it harder.

I kissed her perfect forehead, and got into my car. I was unsure of where I should go. I didn't need to hunt, I couldn't be with her, it wasn't healthy for me to follow her, and I had nothing but emptiness waiting for me at home.

I decided to hunt, and when, less than an hour later, I was completely full and could have no more, decided to go home.

I packed my things, and finally gave in and went to Bella's house. I took my car and parked it in her driveway. Charlie was home. I knocked on the door, and pretended that I didn't know that Bella wouldn't be home. He invited me in for cold pizza. Of course he was used to me refusing to eat anything. He turned on ESPN and I pretended to watch it with him.

I was staring at the TV with unseeing eyes. I thought of what would become of me when I was gone. It was not possible that I could just go back to what I had been before she had come into my life. I would probably try to distract myself uselessly. Maybe it would get better. Maybe. I doubted it. Then I began to think about what would happen to her. She would be really messed up for a week at the most. Charlie would be worried. But she would get better. In a year, she would forget. She wouldn't know if it had been real or a nightmare.

I could smell her before I could see her.

"Dad, Edward?" she called. My name sliding through her lips still had the power to send my head spinning. But today the spinning was different; it reminded me that I was going to break her heart, and mine along with it. I was about to break apart in broken tearless sobs for her. I tried to compose myself as Charlie answered her.

"In here,"

She packed away her coat and walked into the den.

"Hi," she said.

"Hey, Bella. We just had cold pizza. I think its still on the table."

"Okay," she waited for me to acknowledge her. I managed a weak smile.

"I'll be right behind you." That shocked her. But I needed to buy time. I needed to get myself together. I sighed and listed all of the reasons I had for leaving in my head. Her safety was always first. So I would have to live through this. I knew that I would rather I suffer, then to hurt her. I imagined her broken body in my hands, her blood spilling everywhere. I couldn't stay. Ok. I had been through this, and it was decided that I would leave and leave her in peace.

I could hear her toying with the presents her parents had gotten her. I wondered what she could possibly be doing. I stared into the small living room. I wondered how long I could sit here before she forced me to get up. She started to sneak toward her father and me, and I kept my eyes down as she took a picture of us. My eyes flickered up to her.

"What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie asked. You didn't have to be a mind reader to know that he didn't enjoy being on film.

"Oh, come on." She teased. Her smile was very false as she continued. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt." I wondered how she knew that there was limited time to us. She obviously didn't care that much what her mother thought. Not enough to have her taking pictures the day after her birthday.

"Why are you taking pictures of me though?"

"Because you're so handsome," she said. "And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects."

"Hey, Edward, take one of me and my dad together." She tossed the camera to me, without making eye contact.

She knelt beside her father, who was forcing a weak smile. Her face was hard and worried.

"You need to smile, Bella," I told her.

She forced a smile, and I took the picture.

"Let me take one of you kids," Charlie offered. I tossed the camera to him.

I took my place standing next to Bella, and put my arm on her shoulders. I was very awkward. This time, it was Charlie who had to remind her to smile.

"Smile, Bella." He took the picture.

"Enough pictures for tonight, you don't have to use the whole role now."

I escaped Bella's grip and sat back on the armchair. She sat against the couch. Before she could hide them from me, I saw her shaking hands. She wasn't oblivious to my behavior. She knew that something was going on. I didn't watch the show, but instead listened to her heartbeat. I used it to count time. When the show finally ended, I stood.

"I better get home."

"See ya." Charlie said.

Bella stood and stretched. She followed me to my car.

"Will you stay?" she asked pleadingly.

"Not tonight." She had been expecting it. She watched me drive away.

I sped home as quickly as I possibly could, unsure of why I was in such a hurry. Once I was there, I went to my room, put on some calming music, and stared at the ceiling. I didn't think, I didn't breathe. I just stared through the night.

The next day I walked silently with her to every class. I never spoke directly to her. This was pointless. I had to go soon. Tomorrow. I would go tomorrow and get it over with. I drove home from school, ran to her house, and I ran home. Again, I stared through the night.

School the next day passed much the same as the days before it. As I walked her to her truck, I decided that there would be no more delaying this.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I hoped she said yes.

"Of course not."

"Now?"

"Sure." She was a bit shocked. "I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

I grabbed the envelope from her hand.

"I'll do it, and I'll still beat you there." I smiled.

I would mail the letter later. I drove in the direction of the post office, but pulled over once she couldn't see me. I got out of my car and ran to her house. I found a paper and pen, and wrote a note for Charlie, just in case. I then ran back to the Volvo, and drove to her tiny house .I beat her there easily.

"Come for a walk with me." I insisted. Her eyes were a bit suspicious, but she took my hand and walked with me.

I led her to the forest path and took only a few steps down it, making sure that the house was still in view. I knew better than to leave her too deep in the woods.

"Okay, let's talk." She pushed.

I took a deep breathe.

"Bella, we're leaving."

She prepared herself to speak. She wasn't shocked at all.

"Why now? Another year-"

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks after all? Carlisle can barley pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

She didn't understand my answer. It clicked in my head. She thought I would leave with her, to leave my family in peace.

"When you say we-"

"I mean my family and myself." I heard her heart quicken.

"Okay, I'll come with you." She insisted.

"You can't Bella. Where we're going… it's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me." She said. The words tore me in half. _Me, too._ I thought.

"I'm no good for you, Bella." I answered so truthfully it hurt. I was no good for her at all.

"Don't be ridiculous." She pleaded. "You're the very best part of my life." This is exactly why I need to leave. A monster is never supposed to be the best part of anyone's life.

"My world is not for you."

"What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"

"As long as that was best for you." I finished.

"No! This is about my soul isn't it?" she shouted. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care. You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!" I hadn't expected that one.

I took a deep breathe. She wasn't going to let me leave unless she believed I wanted to.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I wished the lie were true. If it were possible for me not to want her, this would be so much easier.

She paused. That had caught her off guard.

"You…don't…want me?"

"No." _YES I WANT YOU! _

"Well, that changes things." Her voice was very calm. Why did she so easily accept the lie?

"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize it's time for a change. Because I…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." Only the last sentence was completely true. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't. Don't do this."

"You're not good for me, Bella." The lie ate me alive.

"If… that's what you want."

I nodded.

"I would like one favor, though, if that's not too much."

"Anything."

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. Take care of yourself, for him."

"I will." She barely whispered.

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed. Don't worry. You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?"

"Well, I won't forget, but my kind, we're easily distracted. That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

"Alice isn't coming back."

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?"

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you. Goodbye, Bella."

"Wait!"

I kissed her forehead for the last time.

"Take care of yourself."

I ran. I ran first to her house. I snuck into her bedroom. I pressed the lid down on her CD player and removed the CD I had made her. I found a scrapbook lying on her floor. I opened it. On the first page was a picture of me on her birthday. I looked the same as I always had. I removed it and turned the page. The next picture was the one of us together. It had been folded in half, me side up. I compared the two pictures. It was sickening. I realized now how much my staying to say good bye had hurt her. My face was cold and hard. She surely was worrying these past few days. I looked at the picture of her. It was beautiful. She didn't look like a monster; she looked like a beautiful human. I took these items and stashed them under her floorboards. She would have a piece of me here with her always, even if she didn't know it.

Then I grabbed my car and raced into the night. It was the beginning of the end.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: This is the part where I can get some creativity in. Please tell me what you think of it. Song lyrics are from "Starlight" by Muse.**

**Disclaimer: I didn't write New Moon, it's Stephanie Meyer's.**

I will be chasing your starlight,

Until the end of my life.

I don't know if it's worth it anymore.

Where was I supposed to go now? My family had gone to Denali, and I was in no mood to see them. I couldn't spend the night watching Bella, for obvious reasons. Oh, how I hated myself. I had left her. She was probably in her room crying. She would be even worse when she saw that the pictures were gone.

If I did anything, I should make sure that she was always safe. I was doing that by leaving. Was there anything else I could do to keep her safe without her knowing?

I thought of all the times I risked her life. The first time I met her. When I came back after leaving the first time. A few days ago, but also very long ago, her birthday. Bringing her to the meadow the second time, only to have James, Laurent, and Victoria show up and try to kill her. James was gone, Laurent was in Denali, but Victoria was nowhere to be found. She was the only thing that could possibly hurt Bella, now that I was gone. Maybe, when I was sting enough, I would find her and kill her, for my Bella.

The now I thought about it, the more I knew that it was the right thing to do. I wouldn't be able to it for a while. I could hardly drive, in my condition. It hurt to think of her. Like my cold, dead heart was ripped out of my stone chest. The edges of the wound stung. They were bleeding, though I knew that was impossible.

I was unaware of where I was going as I drove. The speedometer was creeping toward 150. I turned off my headlights, so I wouldn't attract attention. The night was black. Of course I could see, but the night was darker than usual. Was it possible that my mind was so clouded with sadness that I couldn't see any light? Or was the night just mocking me by hiding the moon?

More time had passed than I'd thought. I had been heading south. I continued to drive endlessly.

She was no longer mine. I wondered who she would marry. Would she have children? Would she go to college? Where? Would she remember me at all? Would she want to?

It was now more than ever that I envied humans. I would do anything to get my humanity back. I could be with her. She could have children if she wished. She wouldn't be in constant danger. I would be with her right now, and always.

I couldn't get my humanity back. Never. So, I would never see her again. Could I live through that? I could try.

Would I go to her funeral when she died? I probably would, from a distance. Then, I would find some way to die, and be with her. If I had an afterlife. I doubted it, but who knew? I hoped that she would want me after we were both dead. I could be with her, then. You can't kill the dead. A new wave of self-hatred came over me. I must never think of her dead.

The sun was creeping over the horizon. I read some road signs to see where the hell I was. Kentucky. Kentucky? How had I ended up so far east? I thought I'd been going south.

I drove into a dense forest, and got out of the car. I lost myself. After more than a few trees were uprooted, I decided that the only thing I could do now was…nothing. I sat on a trunk of one of the trees I'd devastated. I rested my chin in my hands and closed my eyes. All I could see was _her_. After quite a bit of effort, I was able to push the image from my mind. I sat there very still. Had a human seen me, they would have thought I was asleep. I eventually had to move my arms to hold my torso together. I sat there, uselessly, for a very long time. I lost count of the days and nights.

It could have been weeks, months or years going by I was unsure. I finally decided to stop neglecting my thirst. I stood up, and hunted for a while. I only managed to get a few deer before I was forced to stop by the stupid aching in my chest. I sat back down in my spot and sulked. I knew the family would be very angry when I finally got home, though they would try to hide it. Anything to make it easier for me.

Who knows how much later, I decided to go 'home'. Not home, really. My home was in Forks, and it always would be. After all, home is where your heart is. My heart's name is Bella Swan.

I was going to go to Denali to be with my family. I hunted again before getting back into my car.

The drive home was a bit numbing and soothing. I drove at night again, and was able to get there very fast.

When I got there, my siblings and parents were home, but my cousins were hunting. Alice had seen me coming and ran to me the moment my car door was open. She embraced me with as much force as she had in her.

_I've missed you so much. We all have._

I raised an eyebrow to her. I doubted Rosalie cared much about my absence.

_Rosalie will be Rosalie. But she did hate what it did to Emmett._

I believed her. By now, the rest of them had come to greet me. They all hugged me and tried to cheer me up a bit.

_It'll be okay. I'm so glad you've come home. _Esme said to me in her thoughts.

"I'm sorry."

_You have nothing to be sorry for. How have you been?_

I shook my head and said nothing more.

I unpacked my things into the room I would be staying in. Jasper stayed with me and tried to make me feel better

When I was done, my cousins had come home. I went downstairs and greeted them each. Tanya was very happy to see me. She tried to be comforting, but she couldn't hide the fact that she was a bit happy about my leaving Bella. I wished so much that I could just be happy with Tanya. It would be so much easier. I willed myself to fall in love with her right now. It wasn't happening. I sighed.

Kate, Eleazar, and Irina were genuinely sorry for my suffering. Irina, especially. She knew what I was going through. When Laurent had come to Denali, he had fallen in love with her. A few days ago, he left her. Though my family would never tell Irina, they didn't completely trust Laurent. They did not tell him that we had left Bella. He thought we were just visiting.

When they had all had a polite talk with me, I went back upstairs.

I was pathetic, really. I sat on the floor and stared at the ceiling. I heard a ripping sound, and only after a few minutes did I realize that I was hearing my own sobs shaking through my whole being. There were no tears, of course, but my vision was still obstructed by something. It was a vision of her eyes. They were worried. They were the eyes that were all I saw whenever I was apart from her since the first time I'd ever seen her.

Could I ever forgive myself for this? Of course I could. It was completely justified. I shouldn't be anywhere near her. Could I ever be happy again? Maybe in a few hundred years, I could look back on it and be happy for the time I'd had with her. I had been so lucky to have such a perfect person be the only one of her kind not to be terrified by me. But it could not last. Of course not.

How long had it been since I'd seen her? A month? Two? I was about to ask Alice, who was in the room next to mine, when she'd seen what I was about to ask, and answered me in her head.

_Just the one. And a half._

I didn't answer her. Where had the time gone? I couldn't have spent THAT much time in Kentucky. By now she had moved on. She had accepted that I was gone, and lived her life as usual, right? Yes, she had. She was happier. And safer. Thinking of her safety reminded me of Victoria. I was not over this yet. But I was better. Slightly. I was strong enough to try to track Victoria. Perhaps it would distract me from the pain in my chest. It would be worth a try, and I was doing it for _her_. She would be safer. I could follow Laurent's scent to her, and then follow her and kill her. It was a good plan.

Alice saw what I planned to do, and she approved of it.

I headed into the den to tell the others.

"I think I need to get out again for a while. To do some soul searching."

They all looked a bit shocked, I had just come. Esme's eyes were disapproving, but she knew I was badly hurt.

"Of course. We won't stop you from doing whatever you need to do to feel better." Carlisle said with gentle eyes.

"Thank you. I'm sorry to take off again."

"When will you be leaving?"

"I should go… as soon as possible, I think. I'm… not doing well." That was very true.

"Please do whatever you think you must, and come back as soon as you can."

I nodded glumly and headed to the door.

_Miss you._ Alice thought.

I locked eyes with her, and saw my face in her thoughts. I was hideous. My face was crumpled slightly in permanent pain. My eyes were frozen; cold and hard. My posture was slumped, and I was obviously not fooling anyone.

I would miss them, too.

But there would always be something I missed more, because I could never be allowed to see it again.

I slumped out the door, and took a deep breathe. I very easily caught Laurent's scent. I followed it.

As I ran, my thoughts were elsewhere. I thought of how much easier leaving would have been, if I'd done it sooner. I wouldn't be permanently in love with her. I would just have been a bit curious about her mental silence. I could have dealt with that.

Maybe while I was running, I could go check up on her; just to be sure she was safe. I could be her guardian vampire again. I could just sneak into her room while she slept…

No. If I did that, and she, by some strange phenomenon, still loved me, I would surly hear her say it in her sleep. And if that happened, there would be no way I could just stay away from her. I would ruin her all over again. She had loved me more than was healthy at all for a human. She had to snap out of it.

My thoughts were cut off when I came across a new scent. Victoria's scent. After I killed her, I may have to go after Laurent, too. He had been with her.

I followed her scent, and she was going all over, in random loops and twists. I followed it through the damp, murky woods, and the trail started heading south.

Perhaps she was looking for something else? She must have given up. I followed her in any case; she deserved to die.

Several miles later, maybe twenty or so, the scent got very strong, and suddenly, much weaker.

It was strange, but I blew it off. It was nothing. Maybe she had left a couple hairs on the path, and then when I passed, it grew weaker. That must be it.

I had been thinking about _her_ so much as I ran, that my chest was completely hollow, and aching worse than ever before. I shouldn't allow myself to do that, and cause myself pain.

I focused only on my tracking. For many miles, I continued this way. By the twenty-four hour mark, I was in Texas. Texas? That didn't seem like a place Victoria would enjoy very much.

I continued. It was late at night, and she had gone through a few of the towns. I followed her scent, ignoring the dreams of the people in the homes I passed.

I was glad that I had decided to pursue Victoria. I needed to gat away from the four perfectly matched couples that were in Denali. They tried to hide any romantic actions or thoughts hidden from me. They did a poor job.

I began to break down again. I strained to run even faster than normal, to get myself away from the little towns. I needed to just kill Victoria right now. That would be sure to blow off some steam.

I followed her scent through some of Mexico, to the coast. Her scent was in the water. I was puzzled by this. Was she headed to another continent? I slid myself into the water. I swam on the surface, and because I depended so much on smell to track her, I was slowed a bit because I had to breathe.

I opened my eyes under the water. All of the fish swam away from me as quickly as they could; more so than they would flee from a human. That would have amused me, if my life hadn't been completely empty.

Empty, and nothing, that was a good description of my life right now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Please tell me your thoughts on this one. I don't like it very much. Sorry that it's been a while since I updated. I started writing another story. It's not a fic, just something I made up on my own. Song lyrics are from "All Around Me" by Flyleaf.**

**Disclaimer: I didn't write the series, Stephanie Meyer did.**

And so I cry.  
The light is white  
And I see you

I had followed Victoria to South America. There her scent had abruptly stopped. Maybe she had gotten killed. I hoped so.

Now, I wandered some forest on southern South America. I had already hunted. The big game here tasted unfamiliar and foreign.

I had considered cheating on my 'vegetarian' diet. Really, why should I pretend to be human? I obviously wasn't one, and now that my life was over in the worst way, I should just do whatever I wanted. But, Carlisle's gentle face filled my mind, and I knew it wasn't an option.

Perhaps now I could go to Forks. I could just go to her street and see if she was alive. Then I could go into the house we'd abandoned, and just sit there for a while. I could secretly live there for a while. It would be nice to get away from the perfectly matched couples waiting in Denali. But, if I was on her street, and I smelled her, and I heard her heartbeat, could I stay away? It wouldn't be her blood tempting me, it would be her presence.

No, I could not go anywhere near her. So I wouldn't go at all, because surely, I would inevitably end up going to see her, whether she was awake or not.

I suddenly realized how nice this forest was. It was more of a jungle, really. But there was hardly any people anywhere near here. Maybe this place could distract me. Obviously, not completely, but maybe enough. I would stay here.

The phone in my back pocket started to vibrate. I looked at the number, and hesitantly answered it.

"What, Alice?" I sounded crabbier than I had intended.

"If you're staying where you are, I thought I'd let you know that we aren't staying in Denali anymore, in case you came looking for us."

"Where are you going?"

"North-eastern Greenland."

"Why?"

"No special reason. Why not?"

"No, I mean why are you leaving Denali?"

"Oh."

Why was she so reluctant to tell me?

"Well… Tanya thought we came because you changed your mind."

"She knows as well as anyone why we left Forks."

"Apparently not. She's upset that we let you play with her emotions like that."

I groaned. "Well, it could be a while before I see you again. Bye, Alice." I snapped the phone shut, before throwing it at an overgrown, mossy tree. I sighed as I watched it shatter into a million pieces.

Of course, now my family was being shunned by our only friends. Another several layers of guilt were added to all the rest of my self-hatred.

I lowered my self to the moist ground. I felt horrible pain in my chest. I embraced the pain.

Any normal person would shy away from memories that reminded them of what was lost. But I was far from normal, and had nothing to distract me from the pain.

I closed my eyes, and started to do something very risky. Risky, because I may not be able to keep myself from going to her after this.

I remembered every single moment. I could smell her, hear her, see her, feel her, all with perfect clarity.

_Seeing her the first time. Her mumbling my name in deep sleep. Her on my back as I ran. Her heart fluttering as I stroked her face. Kissing her. Holding her. _

The pain was numbed slightly, because I half-way believed that she was here with me. This was the closest I had ever come to a dream in a century.

I relived moment after moment, and could actually tell that time was passing, because of memories of her heartbeat.

2,822,867 beats later, I woke up. The numb feeling immediately disappeared when my eyes opened. The pain was more intense than I remembered it to be. I clutched at my stone torso, to prevent chunks of it from falling out.

It was uncomfortably silent without her heart with me.

After a moment of thought, I realized that it had been over a month. Surely, it should have taken longer for me to remember with perfect clarity, a six months worth of her. My vampire mind must work faster than reality happens.

With a sigh, I stood. I would have to go back to my family.

In several minutes of running, I was at the coast again.

I swam for several hours with out coming up for breathe, and finally found the Greenland coast.

I could smell my family, and followed their trail. Alice met me halfway.

_I saw you coming. _She said. Her thoughts had a happy tone. I wondered what had happened that she was hiding from me.

_I had to see you, to tell you something. _

"What is it, Alice?"

"About a month ago, I saw us all going back. To Forks, I mean. I'm happy you changed your mind."

"I did no such thing. We will not go back, and I don't want you to look for her future."

"I wasn't looking, I just saw it. And even after you said that, I can still see it."

"We can't go back. You know that I want to see her more than anything, but I can't put her in that danger."

"You won't be able to stay away. And have you ever considered that maybe… she's in the most danger from_ herself? _I mean, think about all the times that she would have died if not for you saving her?"

"You have a point, but think about all the times I nearly killed her. Besides, she promised. She promised not to do anything reckless or stupid."

"We're going back, either way. I can see it, and you can, too."

"No. We can't. We won't."

"Yes, we will."

"Goodbye, Alice."

"Whatever."

I ran to a mansion sitting in a snow field. I went to the front steps, and walked in. I received welcome from my family in a daze. I sat at the table and said nothing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: I had the opposite of writer's block during this one. I think it's pretty good. If you read this, please please please review!!!! Song lyrics are from "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that things will never change for us at all.

The worst part of all of it was that I knew Alice was right.

I can't go on like this. I had not improved at all in the three months since I'd seen her. It was too late for us to go back, because she had moved on, and probably didn't remember us at all.

We couldn't go back. Maybe I could go back, and just watch over her without making any contact. I could watch for the eighty-or-so years that it would take for her to finish her human life. Then I could follow her into the afterlife - If I had an afterlife.

I had never denied for a second that I would die immediately after she did. She became part of me the moment I saw her. Being apart made me feel similar to the way a mother might feel after she miscarried. Except I'd brought it on myself. It was as if I was mother having major regrets about an abortion, but a thousand times multiplied.

There was a light tapping at the door to my room.

"Come in." I barley mumbled.

Jasper walked in. He had picked up on my emotions, and wanted to comfort me.

"It's not your fault. It's mine more than yours." _If I had better control, this wouldn't have happened._ He thought.

"It would have happened eventually, don't blame yourself. It's better for her that we're gone."

"Have you ever considered that maybe…she's just as messed up as you?"

"Of course I have. But she's human, and she'll forget if she hasn't already. I'm not going to go check on her to see how she's dealing with this."

"What would you do if you checked on her, and she was miserable?" His thoughts took on a new edge. He was hiding something.

"WHAT DID YOU DO, JASPER!"

"Uhh, well…" _Alice and I went to check on her. She's bad. She's exactly like you, but she's trying not to show it, for Charlie._

That was just like her. She liked to suffer in silence. But that was beside the point. Why would Jasper tell me this?

"What?!?" I hissed.

Without any conscious thoughts to do so, I pounced on him. Our bodies collided in mid-air very loudly. The rest of the family was quick to intercede.

Emmett's big hands were at my wrists, locking them there. I didn't fight back. Jasper's gift had no affect on my rage.

"You can't honestly tell me that you didn't expect that." Rosalie growled.

"Why in the world would I have expected that?!?"

"Well, _I _expected someone to go check on her because, after all, you aren't the only one in this house that misses her. I mean, obviously, _I_ don't miss her. If we'd never met her, you'd be normal, and we wouldn't have had to leave."

I hissed. Emmett tightened his grip.

"And I expected her to miss you because, despite everything that should have driven you apart, she loved you the whole time. She's going to miss you like any other person would miss the love of their life if they left them. You may think you're a monster, but no one else pictured you that way until now. At least _she's_ trying to deal with separation!"

"Rose, stop. He's losing it." Emmett cautioned.

Only then did I realize that I was shaking all over.

"I'm fine, Emmett."

Emmett looked at Jasper.

"He's alright now, you can let go."

I was let free. I slumped to the ground.

Rosalie stormed out, and Emmett went running after her. Alice sent me an apologetic look and trudged away with Esme. Only Jasper and Carlisle remained.

"Jasper, I've got it. You can go now." Carlisle said quietly.

Jasper nodded and left us alone.

"I know it's tough, Edward. Ignore Rose; she doesn't know what you're going through."

"No, she's right. Every word she spoke was truth. She was completely right." I mumbled.

"You're not a monster."

"Yes, I am! I left her, and it's killing the both of us! I can't go back, not ever! I'll end up killing her!!"

"I have confidence that you won't ever hurt her."

"It's too goddam late! I've already hurt her!"

"You can always fix it. We can go back. You've always got that option. You're self-control has grown so much since you first met her."

"What if something happened to her? Do you think I could live with that? Do you think I could live with putting her in constant danger?"

"She wouldn't be in danger. If worse comes to worse, you can always change her, she wanted it before we left."

"I couldn't let her live as a monster!!"

"You are not a monster, Edward!!" Carlisle used the loudest voice I'd ever heard through his gentle lips.

I sighed.

"Should I? Should I go back?" I whispered.

"It's up to you, but I think so."

"Then we will go back."


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: I think this is a good'un. Rosalie is really good at attacking Edward haha. Reviews please. Song lyrics are from "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything**

So you're gone and I'm haunted  
And I bet you are just fine.

Everything was ready. We were all packed, I was half-way prepared to talk to her, and we'd hunted like crazy.

Alice was constantly looking for the future, and there was nothing to stop us now. I was ready. I was actually ready, and very anxious to see her face again.

We had a plan. We would show up for a 'visit' to Forks, and Esme would suddenly remember how much she missed it there. We would decide to stay. Okay.

Jasper was with me constantly to calm my nerves.

_You'll be fine. She loves you more than anything._

I nodded.

Alice had started seeing strange flickers today, and we were going to wait a little while longer to see what was up.

My mind was flooded with the image of Bella, in her truck sobbing. In a fraction of a second it was gone. I was seeing a vision through Alice's eyes.

"You probably shouldn't keep her waiting much longer. She's not doing too well." Alice told me.

"Okay. Let's go."

We were going to take a small boat from Greenland to northern Canada, where we would fly to Seattle.

We ran to the small, luxurious speedboat that was waiting on the coast. I drove the boat across the icy sea.

Everyone was silently staring at the waves, not thinking about anything in particular. Alice was still looking for the future, and still not seeing anything concrete.

She could she Bella driving down a wet Forks road. Nothing unusual.

The hole in my chest was feeling a different kind of pain than usual. It was like being extremely thirsty right before hunting. You still hurt, but you know that you'll feel better soon. I sped up at the thought of seeing Bella again.

Alice's face went blank. She was seeing something real for the first time in a long time.

I could see Bella, sitting in a dark garage. I couldn't clearly see who it was because they were in a shadow. I could see a flash of dark skin. I knew that she wasn't with any one of us. She was genuinely happy looking, but it was pained. Her face was smiling a real smile, and she was laughing lightly.

The vision cut off abruptly, and another began.

Bella was stumbling through the dark on a winding trail, laughing hysterically. She was holding hands with someone I had never met before. He was obviously younger than she was, but he was greatly taller. His face was dark, smiling, and friendly.

That vision melted into another.

The boy was hugging her as tightly as he could, and smiling. She was very happy to be with him. She was smiling, too.

Alice snapped out of the vision and stared into my eyes. She was confused.

I sighed.

"Carlisle, will you steer the boat for a moment?"

He obliged with confused eyes.

"Alice, you know as well as I do what this means. She's moved on. She's found another love."

"I'm not sure. Maybe they're just friends."

"Well, she's happy without me, and we can turn around now. Carlisle, please turn around the boat."

"Are you sure? We don't have to."

"Yes, we do!"

The family was clueless.

"Do you want to know what happened? BELLA IS GOING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!"

"What?!?" Emmett didn't understand the concept.

"Well, I'm assuming she just met someone she'll fall in love with. I was just getting flickers of her crying, and all of a sudden she's smiling and laughing and hugging this guy. I don't know maybe they're just close friends." Alice explained quietly.

Rosalie hissed.

"Are you sure you don't want to just stop her from falling for this guy?" Emmett asked.

"Why in the world would I take a completely normal life away from her? I'm not going to put her in constant danger for my own selfish pleasure!"

"Edward, honestly, why do you always have to make us all miserable? We can either just keep going and we can all be happy, or we can turn around and deal with your melodramatic self!" Rosalie shouted.

"Rosalie, you stop that!" Esme spoke for the first time since boarding the boat.

"Edward, you may not be my favorite brother, but have you ever considered all that you _do_ have? You have this whole family that wants nothing more than your happiness. You have an amazing gift, musical talent, and smarts. Have you ever thought that you shouldn't destroy all of that for a little human girl?" Rosalie continued quietly.

"That's true. But can you imagine living without Emmett?"

"I'm sure I'd be better at it than you."

"Really? I doubt it."

She kept quiet.

"What do you want to do?" Carlisle finally asked.

"You guys can go patch things up with Tanya. I'm going to Forks to try to figure something out."

"I trust you to do the right thing."

I nodded and the ride continued in silence.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: I don't know if I like this one. Please tell me if you like it, and anything you think I should improve on. Reviews make me very happy! Song lyrics are from "Summer Hair = Forever Young" by The Academy Is.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the book, just this version of it.**

Don't say that it's easy.  
The hardest part is leaving

Well, here I was. The family was in Denali, and I was in Forks. On her street.

I could see her small home, a few feet from the damp forest. I could hear her heartbeat. The sound of it, despite the fact that I wouldn't be hearing it for long, still healed my chest. I felt whole.

I would sit here, in the forest, until she was asleep. Then, I would go into her room like I had so many times before.

I was listening to her heart, and not her voice. I didn't want to hear her tell Charlie about her new 'friend'.

The whole thing was bittersweet. On one hand, she would be safe. She could have children. She could be happy without hanging out with supernatural creatures. On the other hand, I would never see her again. At least, not when she knew it. Maybe I would just watch and wait, and if that boy were to ever leave her, I would come back.

Maybe after a while, if she stayed with this boy, I would just go home and try to be happy with my family.

I regretted leaving her so much… much more than is healthy for her. Maybe Carlisle was right, maybe I could restrain myself, seeing how I'd done it for so long.

I could remember last spring, when I'd tasted her blood. It was hot and sweet and it soothed made my throat burn more than it ever had before when I finally stopped.

It was easier to do that than it was to stay away from my Bella. I shouldn't call her my Bella anymore. She belongs to someone else, or at least she will.

Maybe when I went into her room I could get the scent of that boy and track him down…

No, I mustn't kill her love.

She was my love, but I was not her love. I felt more jealous of this mystery boy than I'd ever been of Mike Newton. How long could I stay in town without talking to her? I would have to leave once the pain became too much.

What would I do when I left? I was fresh out of distractions. I'd have to start knitting… Emmett would get a kick out of that.

I ran as fast as I could to my car (which had been flown in, in case I decided to stay long) and opened the driver's side door. I opened the glove compartment, and rummaged in it a bit until I found what I was looking for.

I held in my hand something that I hadn't looked at since I'd left. It was the bottle cap to Bella's lemonade. She had left it on the table the first time she'd sat with me at lunch.

To some, that would seem creepy, but it was all of her that I could keep. I put it into my pocket and ran back to the woods to stakeout her house.

I forgot to block out Charlie's thoughts.

_It's so nice that she's feeling better. He's much better for her than Cullen…_

I cringed. He was right. This mysterious boy she loved was much better than me.

I waited unthinkingly until it was past dark, and they were asleep.

I climbed quickly up the side of her house, opened her window, and went inside her familiar room.

Her room had not been rearranged, but it was different than I remembered. It was organized and neat. It was saturated in her scent, but it did not appeal to me. I've lost her already; I shouldn't ruin the life she could now have.

She was still and peaceful in her sleep. She slept differently than she had before I left. She was on her side, with her arms wrapped tightly around her torso. She didn't murmur in her sleep. She wasn't dreaming tonight. Her hair was wet and tangled from sleeping.

I was overwhelmed by her beauty. She was absolutely perfect. I only wished that I could see her eyes, but I also didn't want her to see me.

I felt much better than I had before, even though I knew that I would have to leave her again. Maybe I could stay…

No.

It still frustrated me that I could nit hear her thoughts. I suppose it was to be expected, though.

I sat down in the rocking chair I always sat in and watched her.

No I wouldn't stay. Once morning came, I would have to leave. I would call Alice to tell her, and go back to the statue I had been for so many months.

I couldn't stay and take her away from that dark-skinned boy she would love. He could only love her a small fraction of the amount I loved her, but I still shouldn't keep him from happiness.

The sun was beginning to rise.

"I love you, Bella." I whispered.

I kissed her unconscious forehead, and headed back out of the room.

Immediately after her heartbeat was out of my hearing range, the hole in my chest was clawed at and made bigger, and fresher.

I squeezed the bottle cap to help gain enough control to drive. It wasn't working.

I grabbed my phone and flipped it open. I dialed Alice's number and hit send with shaky fingers.

"Hello?" She answered.

"I'm not coming to Denali."

"What!? You've decided to stay with Bella? That's great! You'd think I would have seen it, I was looking so hard…"

"No, Alice. I'm not staying with her. I'm just not going to Denali. I feel worse than before."

"Oh."

"Where should I go?" I whispered.

"All I can see is… you sitting in the middle of no where, not moving for a very, very long time."

"That's what I feel like doing."

"Okay, well I'll tell the others, Edward. I'll miss you. I'm so sorry that you had to leave her. Goodbye."

"Wait!"

"What?"

"Please don't go looking for her future. She can do whatever she wants now."

"Okay, Edward. Please come home as soon as you possibly can. I love you."

"Love you, too."

I snapped the phone shut.

I should get away from here, so that I'm not tempted to watch her sleep again. I started the engine and raced away.

**AN: Do you think that Bella didn't dream that night because of Jacob, or for other reasons…. Hehe.**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Sorry that this took so long. PLEASE REVIEW! When no one tells me if I'm doing anything well, I start to lose motivation. That's part of why I haven't posted. Also, how much longer do you guys think I should go before Rosalie calls Edward? Thanks. Song is "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins. (Missy Higgins is an amazing name!)**

**Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine.**

**I don't know what I've done**

**Or if I like what I've begun.**

I drove without knowing where I was going. Nothing but thoughts of self-hatred and jealousy ran through my head. The purring engine had no calming effect on me at all.

I swerved quickly off of the road and into a green forest. I drove deeper into it until I couldn't any longer. I got out of the car and began to run.

I hunted until my irises were as light as I could force them, and I started running again. I ran for several hours, without getting tired, of course.

It wasn't difficult for time to disappear again. I eventually stopped running. I just sat and fulfilled Alice's vision. The waiting began. I was waiting for anything that could make me stop waiting. Maybe something happening to my family. Or maybe Bella's boyfriend leaving her. I kept waiting.

Part of me wanted Alice to look for Bella needing me again, so that I could go back. Part of me knew that if I went back, I would hurt her.

About two hundred years ago, before he'd created me, Carlisle had been looking for a way to change vampires into humans. That's one of the reasons he'd studied medicine. He obviously was unsuccessful. It was like trying to raise the dead; anyone who's alive can die, but no one who's dead can live.

I wish I were dead.

No, I could not wish that, not while I still had something to live for. I lived for Bella, through she no longer lived for me.

Sigh.

If only I loved Tanya. I would have never met Bella, and I would be happy right now.

It was best that I had left. She would have met her true soul mate eventually, and leave me. She wouldn't want to leave me, because she wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. That was so like her, to let herself be unhappy for someone else's sake.

She was too nice, and too good. More reasons that I did not deserve her.

I didn't let myself think after that. It hurt too much to think. I couldn't think without thinking of _her_.

I slipped up occasionally, and thought of her. It was very hard not to.

After about three or four days I gave up. I let myself think of her flawless face.

Suddenly a thought popped into my head.

I remembered the first conclusion she'd jumped to when I'd told her I was leaving. She thought that I was taking her somewhere away from my family so that she wouldn't be in danger.

I wasn't that much of a danger to her, it was mostly Jasper. Maybe I could wake her at night and take her with me somewhere far away…

No. She had a new love now, and I shouldn't ruin that for her. No, no, no, no, no. No Bella for me. I would kill her. She would be dead. No.

I forced myself to stop thinking again.

Thoughts were dangerous. They all led me back to Forks.

I broke out of my trance after a week or so. I could smell something a half mile west of where I was sitting. It smelled better than any animal I'd ever hunted.

That's because it was a human.

I scanned the human's thoughts quickly.

It was a man, who had gotten lost on a hiking trip. I was very thirsty. Maybe…

No! It would kill Carlisle!

Once I got a grip, I realized that I probably should leave here, before that man came any closer.

I decided to follow the man, out of boredom. I wouldn't hurt him.

I ran as close to where he was, and hid in shrubbery watching him.

_I can't believe that I got lost. What if I don't make it back? What would happen to my daughters?!..._

He was a father. Perhaps I should pretend to be another hiker, who knew his way around-

My thoughts were cut off by a figure slamming into the man. It was a vampire that I did not recognize. He was not very strong.

I jumped up out of my hiding spot and thrust myself between the two. The vampire hissed at me and tried to get his arms around me to snap me in half.

_What does this guy think he's doing? He had his chance to get this human long before I showed up. He must be trying to tick me off!_

He was a weak fighter, and I was able to kill him easily within a few seconds. I gathered the pieces of his body with as much speed as I could, and carried them as far away from the poor hiker as I could. I burned them.

The hiker was fine, but disoriented. Thankfully, he didn't realize anything that had happened.

So I really needed to leave this place. The vampire, whose name I did not know, had been extremely angry, which had clouded his thoughts. But I could still tell that there were a lot of vampires like that nearby, mostly newborns. They were weak. The Volturi wouldn't have to worry about this army. They would be easily defeated.

But I still needed to leave, just to be safe. Where would I go? Not home, obviously. And certainly not back to Forks. So I would just keep wandering until something happened that was important enough to stop me.

I hunted again, and headed toward my no-longer-shiny-silver Volvo. I started the engine, and headed back to the main road.

I wanted to watch after Bella. That wasn't an option, so what could I do? I wanted to check on Charlie, but that would take me too close to Bella. She didn't have any other family that I knew of. Except…

Her mother. I could go down to Jacksonville and make sure she was okay. I pulled a tight U-turn and started heading south.

I continued in such a fashion for three or four hours. When I was in Jacksonville, I remembered that I had no idea where exactly Renee lived.

I went to the baseball field where her husband worked and waited for him to head home, so that I could follow him.

I didn't have to worry about the sun, because of my heavily tinted windows.

When Phil finally got into a red Subaru, I was quick to follow, but I stayed my distance, so that he wouldn't realize it. When he finally reached the small yellow house, I parked about two miles away, in a church parking lot. I ran to the little house, and hid in shrubs, listening.

Phil was asleep, but Renee was up checking her computer.

There was an email from Bella.

Renee had been awaiting this email for a while, she was very relieved.

_It's about time. I suppose she was probably out all day with that kid. It's nice that she's happy. It took her so long to recover after he left her…_

_I didn't expect that. Things seemed so official when I'd seen him. It's funny that he wouldn't even contact her at all. Oh well, she's better now._

She read the email to herself. It was very long and detailed. It described Bella's day. She had gone to _Jacob's_ house to be with him and a group of his friends.

His name was Jacob. He was no one I knew.

I was glad that Bella was happy, but it hurt that I wasn't the one to make her happy. I was the one who'd made her so sad…

My chest was aching. My 'visit' would have to be short-lived. I could not stay any longer.

Where to now?

I had no where to go. I just wanted to be human. To grow with Bella, and eventually marry her. We could have children, if she wished.

But I wasn't human. So that left me again with the question. Where to go now?


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: I think this is a good one. Song lyrics are from "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie. Song is highly recommended.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

Love of mine,

Someday you will die

And I'll be close behind.

I'll follow you into the dark.

I was running out of distractions. I'd done just about all I could do. I could wait, or I could give up.

No. No giving up.

I knew that there were only two things that could make me happy, or at least better.

The first was, obviously, giving up. Turning around and being with her again. She would forgive me. She was much too kind.

The second option was moving on. The only way for that to happen was for me to somehow find someone who was kind and perfect and would accept me as broken as I may be. I could fall in love again, it wasn't impossible. Of course, this person would have to be able to deal with the fact that I would always love Bella. They would have to accept that they would always be second. They would have to understand that the reason that I was with them and not Bella, was for Bella's safety and happiness only.

That fact made Tanya out of the question.

But, I knew I wouldn't be able to try to look for love. I was a mess. If someone just came out of no where and was perfect, then I would love them. I didn't think that would happen. Bella was the only perfect person in the world.

I also knew that there were three things that kept me breathing, and alive.

The first was my family. Though right now I wasn't with them, I would go back someday. I couldn't just take my life away from them. They'd helped me so much through my life. Carlisle had created me, and helped me contain the monster that I was. Esme was a mother to me, and she loved and cared for me too much for my own good. Alice was always a good friend to me, and understood me the best. Rosalie wasn't a great friend, but she cared about me. She knew me well, and that showed whenever she was mad at me and told me everything that was wrong with me. Emmett was an amazing brother and friend, and helped me loosen up sometimes. He wanted me to be happy, and not feel guilty about anything I may have done. Jasper was also a good brother. He would comfort me better than anyone else, even without using his gift.

The second thing keeping me alive was the possibility of loving again. I could find someone if I tried, which I didn't feel like doing. But how could I leave, if there could be someone else waiting for me to find them?

The last, of course, was Bella. As long as she lived, I could find a way to leave. One day she might need me. If her Jacob decided he didn't want her, and she was left broken, I would jump in and comfort her. I would be just a friend, if she wished. I would be whatever she needed to me to be, so long as I could be with her. Although, if her life were to end, I think it would take away such a big chunk of my being, that I would kill myself. Even though I had two other things to live for, I lived so much for her, that without her, I was dead even if I was still breathing. If she lived, I would, too. Forever.

I was driving down a twisting road that was slick with rain. I was just trying to get away from reminders of her. My chest ached. I hardly noticed how clouded my eyes were anymore. Her eyes had been in everything I saw for about 5 or six months.

My phone began to vibrate from in my glove compartment. I ignored it until it stopped. I began to ring again. I sighed and pulled over. The small LCD screen on the outside of the silver phone showed that Rosalie was the one calling. That was strange. I flipped open the phone.

"What, Rosalie? I'm not really in the mood to talk to you. Or anyone for that matter." I snapped.

"Calm down, I was just going to tell you some news."

"What is it?" I asked franticly. This couldn't be good.

"Well… Tanya wants to say that she forgives you. Isn't that great?"

"I suppose…"

"She would be disappointed to know that you aren't grateful that she forgave you."

"Rosalie, you called to tell me something else. What is it?"

"Well…"

"Spit it out!"

"The others don't want you to know, but I'm going to tell you anyway, 'cause you'll find out eventually. I mean it's not like you'll never come home. You deserve to know, and you'd get angry when you found out."

"What happened?" I asked, but I already knew.

"She'd dead, Edward." She said quickly. "I'm so sorry." She whispered.

I didn't think for a second. Maybe it had been a minute, I couldn't tell.

"Edward? Please come home. Or I can come get you if you want. We miss you. It'll be okay. Alice saw her jump off of a cliff."

I didn't respond. I snapped the phone shut.

She was dead.

My Bella, my perfect Bella. She died. No.

I did not sob, I tried not to think.

I knew what this meant.

I would do what I'd planned to do so long ago, the time I'd wrongly thought she was dead.

Wait.

Was it possible that Rosalie was lying? She would do that to make me come home. She would want me around so that Emmett would be happy.

I dial Bella's home number. I would make sure she was alive. If Charlie answered, I would pretend to be Carlisle and ask about Bella. If Bella answered, I would hang up.

"Swan residence." A husky, unfamiliar voice picked up.

"Hello, this is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. May I speak to Charlie Swan, please?"

"He's not here."

"Well where is he?" I snapped.

"He's at the funeral." He replied unwillingly.

The phone shattered in my hands.

She was, really and truly, dead.

My Bella.

My life must end, then. This I had already decided.

I was in my car and speeding down the highway in a matter of seconds.

********************

I knew how to go about doing this. I would go to Italy. I would beg the Vulturi for death. If they denied, I would have to change their minds.

_Bella, I'll see you soon. I love you. I'm sorry._ I thought. Maybe angels can read minds, too.

How should I get myself to the city?

I could fly, or swim and run.

I had a lot of steam to blow off, yet I didn't really want to move at all. I would fly. I would fly, be dead, and see Bella.

Would she want to be with me in heaven or hell? Would I go to either place, or was my soul already dead? I might as well try. At least it will get me away from the fact that she's gone. Forever.

It's my fault. I killed Bella. I am going to punish myself for leaving her.

Had I stayed, she would have been happy. I would have been happy, too. She would be in danger, but I wouldn't hurt her. I knew that now. These realizations always come too late.

I knew that I wouldn't have hurt her. I knew because now I know what it feels like to have her gone. I wouldn't have caused myself that much pain.

But I already did. I caused the pain. She wouldn't have jumped if not for me. I deserved to die. I wanted to die.

Death would be coming soon. I would avenge her murder. I murdered her, thus I must die. Would Bella have wanted that?

No. She would want me to live. She told me that before I left.

I wouldn't want her to kill herself if something happened to me.

This was different. She couldn't kill me, but I just killed her.

I never stopped loving her. My love didn't waver when I left. I began to hurt.

My chest was throbbing, and I was sure that the closest I had ever felt to this pain was becoming a vampire. This was far worse. I could not distract myself from the pain. I missed her so much. She had missed me, too. She just proved it.

I had thought that she was too nice for her own good, and always put others before herself. I was wrong. Didn't she realize that she was killing me, too? How many times had I told her that I loved her? Too many to count. I had always scolded her for doing anything unsafe, and I had proved my love to her everyday that I was with her. How could she believe that I had been lying? Why did she think I didn't love her.

I love her.

She was dead. So was I. My soul had died a hundred years ago. She helped to resurrect part of it. Now that part was gone, too. All that was left was my cold, stone, monster body. I would finish what she'd started. I would kill every part of me.

I will always love her. Death cannot separate us. I will never be happy again.

I reached the airport and quickly bought a ticket for Italy. Humans cringed away from me. I saw how I looked in their minds.

I was extremely tense, with frozen eyes. I was not breathing. People shied away from me.

I sat in a hard bench, awaiting my flight.

Hours passed effortlessly. I was soon on a plane, racing to my death.


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: sorry that this took so long. The track season's started up again and I haven't really had much time. Does anyone have any ideas for another story for me to write? Because after this story is over I don't have any ideas. Song lyrics are from "Monsoon" by Tokio Hotel.

Disclaimer: The books aren't mine.

And when I lose myself I think of you,  
Together we'll be running somewhere new  
Through the monsoon.  
Just me and you

The end wasn't coming fast enough. The plane seemed to be going slower than any other I had ridden. I needed to get to Italy, _now_. I was racing to my Bella. She was waiting for me.

What if I couldn't see her? What if I had no afterlife, and had wasted it here on earth? I would deserve it. It would be better than living any longer.

I kept my fists clenched for the entire flight. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I was attracting attention, and I hoped that I didn't leave a mess for my family to clean up. _My family_. They would be devastated. They had lived without me before though, and they were probably better off without me saddening them all the time. Alice would try to stop me, for surely she had seen this. Nothing could stop me now. Not even Emmett and Jasper could hold me back if they tried. Not now. Ugh. My chest was ripping in several small pieces.

I needed to distract myself. I decided to plan further what I would do once the plane landed. I couldn't think very well though, and closed my eyes and pretended to be sleeping. Several more hours passed in this manner.

The plane finally landed. Once I was in the airport, I raced outside into the parking lot, and stole the faster car I could see. I hopped in and sped away.

After a few hours of driving, I pulled the car over a mile or so away from the gate to the city. I left the keys in the ignition and ran off. I ran past a guard of the city unseen and proceeded into the city. There were huge crowds of people milling around screaming and getting drunk. I knew the name of the holiday, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I was glad for the crowds, it would make it easier to make a scene if my plan failed. I darted through the shadows to the place that I knew from Carlisle's thoughts to be the Vulturi's headquarters.

The place looked very medieval. I stepped inside, and all eyes were on me. There were several vampires and a few nervous looking humans standing in a room that looked like the lobby.

"Can I help you?" Asked the receptionist, who was a female frail human.

"Yes, I need to talk to the members of the Vulturi right away." I said in a hoarse voice.

"They are very busy today, but I can arrange for you to meet them tomorrow, if you like."

"It's urgent. Please let me talk to them."

"I'm sorry but you can't see them without an appointment."

"Do you think a human is going to stop me? I need to meet with them, now. You can tell them I'm in Carlisle's coven."

"I'd love to help you, but—"

Her voice was interrupted when another vampire entered the room. I recognized him to be Aro, the leader of the vampire organization I was coming to see. His eyes were a bit cloudy, and his presence made everyone in the room a bit nervous.

"Who is this who is being so rude to my favorite human?" he inquired.

"It is I. But you don't understand. I need to speak to you immediately. I have a request."

"Who are you to make requests of me?"

"You may not know mw, but my name is Edward Cullen, and I'm in Carlisle's coven."

Shock spread across his face, and his thoughts were silently pondering if it could be true.

He sighed and at last spoke.

"I should have known, by your eyes."

I nodded and he motioned for me to follow him into another room. It was circular, very large, and as medieval as the outside of the building. Other than myself, there were three people in the room. All of whom I knew to be members of the Vulturi. He gestured to a large oak chair, and I sat.

"How is Carlisle?"

"I haven't seen him in a while, but I trust that he's fine."

"Well, that's good. Why haven't you seen him?"

"It's really a complicated story…"

His thoughts were suddenly louder, and he was thinking about his gift. It was amazing. I'd never heard of anything of the sort. By the time he began to speak his thoughts, I already knew what he was going to say.

"I have a gift that is very convenient at times like these. Upon physical contact, I can hear every thought that ever passed through someone's head."

"Very impressive. I, myself have a similar gift. I suppose that you'll hear about it once you touch me?"

"Yes, very well, then."

I slowly reached my hand over to his.

It was the strangest sensation when I saw is his head what he saw in mine. It was like my life flashing before my eyes.

I saw blurry human memories of wanting to impress my mother, and dreaming of being a soldier. Then, my early life with Carlisle as a newborn. Then, our family growing and growing. I saw us moving to Forks. I saw Bella again for the first time. I fell in love with her. I saw her birthday. I saw my leaving. I saw my self-loathing life up until his thoughts caught up to mine, and he saw me meeting him and everything up to this point.

He released my hand, and looked me in the eyes.

"How tragic."

I didn't respond.

"Your gift is very impressive, also. It must be nice not to have to touch someone to read their minds." He added.

I nodded.

"Your request, then, is for your death?"

"Yes."

"That's a very serious decision. You could be great as a member of our guard."

"No, thank you. I'm very sure about my decision."

"Well, I don't believe we should let that gift go to waste. But we will consider your request. Please wait in the lobby."

I walked back out to the lobby, and waited.

_I'll see you soon_. I thought helplessly to Bella.


End file.
